Steven Sondheim, eat your heart out

Pretty much everybody in my wonderful PCA church thinks I'm straightlaced, bookish, and serious, except for the members of the Christmas choir, who think I'm a wee bit unhinged.

Getting ready for this year's spectacle, we had to deal with a song composed in the black gospel style. Do I need to say that we're a rhythm-challenged church? No matter, our director was determined that we would sway. No objections would be entertained.

And thus began swaying practice. We couldn't just learn our parts, we had to move to them. Our music was soon covered with penciled notes: "Start swaying" at measure 17; "STOP SWAYING!!!" in the bridge section; "Resume Swaying" at the D.S., and increasingly, "Watch *Pseudonym*!"

*Pseudonym* (let's just call her Pseudo) is a lovely woman in our congregation who would not on first meeting strike you as Born to Sway. Yet her unique ministry gift soon emerged; our director started by yelling for us to look how Pseudo was swaying, and soon moved her to the front row so everyone could ape her swaying all the time.

As we shuffled toward our date with destiny, the nervous jokes ("Sway Master!") began, and the bad swaying just continued, badly. Pseudo did her best, and I truly believe our Pseudo-oriented swaying was our best swaying.

But let's face it, our situation was pathetic and ridiculous. One night as I was driving home after practice, the refrain (Bethlehem's star / is shining so bright) began to morph into It's time to sway / Now what shall we do? Before I knew it, a choir-wide legend was born.

Now on the Information Superhighway for the first time, the revised lyrics to Bethlehem's Star (rechristened We're Swayin' Right):

It’s time to sway, now what shall we do?
Our hips and our shoulders are badly askew.
So we’ll watch how she’s swaying, and we’ll be alright
‘Cuz Pseudo’s in the front row and she’s keeping things tight.

Soloist, with feeling
Ev’ry church has its gifts, we know this by rote
Presbyterians, too, but we just can’t emote!
Although we’re quite left-brained, there’s hope for us now:
Because our Sway Master will give our moves "Wow!"

Choir, second time:
It’s time to sway, now what shall we do?
Our hips and our shoulders are badly askew.
So we’ll watch how she’s swaying, and we’ll be all right
‘Cuz Pseudo’s in the front row and she’s keeping things tight.

Soloist, again (as if singing to choir)
You well know your TULIP, and covenants too.
The word "Propitiation" is not new to you!
But complete lack of rhythm, what a terrible plight:
Keep your eyes glued to Pseudo, and sway with your might!

Choir, third time
We’re feelin’ it now, it runs through our veins,
Elusive rhythm, it ain’t such a pain!
With eyes locked on Pseudo, it’s almost a snap.
Why, next Sunday at worship we might even clap!

Today's Devotional "Ouch!" Moment

In open defiance of the possible etiquette rule against posting more than one blog entry in a day, here goes my second for today.

In his monthly Tabletalk column for January, the wonderful Gene Edward Veith observes:

...I have never, ever, in any congregation or denomination, seen anyone so much as try to implement what the apostle Paul says to do in the case of disputes within the church, wherein the strong give in for the sake of the weak (Rom. 14-15). You would think that the parties in a church dispute, each of whom assumes that he is the stronger one, would stumble over each other trying to give in to the other person, clearly one of the weaker brethren. And yet we do not, which is yet more evidence of our depravity.

Man, that hurt. I've had the germ of the same insight when reading this passage in Romans, and I recall even preaching this basic idea to my erstwhile congregation. But live it? I might have to get back to you on that one.

Mystery Giver

For several months now, our household has been receiving Highlights for Children, the famous kids'-interest magazine with games, jokes, stories, and of course, the continuing adventures of Goofus and Gallant that I remember so well from my own childhood (there were always copies in the waiting room of Dr. Richard O. Strand, DDS). We didn't order it, however, and we've never been able to thank the buyer of the subscription.

All we've been able to establish, detective-wise, is that the giver wasn't quite sure how to spell one of our children's names (C became K).

Can you help?

The Solution to All Your Classification-of-Reformed-Christians Needs!

I am sure that every "like-minded" corner of Christianity has its own bizarre collection of hobby horses, blind spots, and inspeak, and the Reformed and Presbyterian churches are no exception. We may even be worse than most, because we often suffer from TR fixation: wondering if others are Truly Reformed, i.e., whether the object of our scrutiny is in excrutiatingly complete compliance with Reformed doctrine and practice.

You can have strong confidence in a friend's Reformedness, for instance, only to be shocked into uncomfortable silence by the sight of a book on his coffee table with an IVP imprint. What could he be thinking?!? You know he's Reformed because you've conversed at length about Berkoff's systematics and Van Tilian apologetics. He was on the session in an OPC church before moving here, his car radio is preset to the station that plays the White Horse Inn, and he was the one who got you reading Murray, for crying out loud. And yet, what to make of this appalling lapse into that which should not be contemplated? Is there ... dare there ... could there be a name for this condition?

Well wonder no more, because this morning I was handed Horgan's Index of the Various Levels of Reformedness For Use in the Proper Classification and Stereotyping of God's Elect Whether They Know it or Not (Revised Standard Version). And it has changed my life! Consider:

General Classifications:
AR Almost Reformed (has only heard of R. C. Sproul)

BR Barely Reformed (has heard of Sproul and thought about buying some of his tapes)

CR Critically Reformed (more negative than John MacArthur on the charismatic movement)

DR Doubtfully Reformed (only attends this church for the music)

ER Egregiously Reformed (shows possible calling as elder)

FR Formerly Reformed (currently serving on Deacon Board)

HR Hopefully Reformed (the kid you would let your daughter marry for his money and keep his name on the prayer list)

IR Incredibly Reformed (even the Session doesn't believe half of what this guy believes)

JR Just been Reformed (recently put out of another evangelical church; now attends this church)

KR Krazy Reformed (you just know it when you see it)

LR Loudly Reformed (maybe right, maybe wrong, but never in doubt)

MR Manically Reformed (sometimes up, sometimes down but always a pain)

NR Not very Reformed (most likely to be nominated for office in this church)

OR Obviously Reformed (one of our kind who probably won't last here long)

PR Possibly Reformed (spoke up once at a Bible church and was told to try the PCA)

QR Quietly Reformed (probably won't last long in the Covenant class)

RR Rigorously Reformed (probably won't last long in any other class)

SR Sort of Reformed (has recently found his old copies of Calvin and Berkoff and is now seriously thinking about reading them)

TR Titanically Reformed (willing to crash into anyone even if it means sinking the ship)

UR Unconsciously Reformed (can snore the five points and Shorter Catechism)

VR Voraciously Reformed (has burned all his books by Dallas Seminary authors)

WR Weirdly/Wildly Reformed (the member of this church)

XR Xenophobically Reformed (believes that no one is as Reformed as he is)

YR Your basic Reformed (just bought his first book by one of the good guys)

ZR Zealously Reformed (a social misfit outside the company of the officers)

Advanced States of Reformedness

BVDR Broadly but Very Definitely Reformed (maybe our kind, maybe not)

ATVR Absolutely, Totally, Virtually Reformed (has abandoned once and for all his entire library of arminian, amyraldian and charismatic books)

CPCR Creatively, Productively, Conscientiously Reformed (definitely our kind; the highest state of reformedness)

Hope that helps. (And I hope my HNINR* family and friends will forgive me this inside-joke post. All the guys in my church officer training class thought it was hilarious.)

*Hell, No! I'm Not Reformed!