The Solution to All Your Classification-of-Reformed-Christians Needs!

I am sure that every "like-minded" corner of Christianity has its own bizarre collection of hobby horses, blind spots, and inspeak, and the Reformed and Presbyterian churches are no exception. We may even be worse than most, because we often suffer from TR fixation: wondering if others are Truly Reformed, i.e., whether the object of our scrutiny is in excrutiatingly complete compliance with Reformed doctrine and practice.

You can have strong confidence in a friend's Reformedness, for instance, only to be shocked into uncomfortable silence by the sight of a book on his coffee table with an IVP imprint. What could he be thinking?!? You know he's Reformed because you've conversed at length about Berkoff's systematics and Van Tilian apologetics. He was on the session in an OPC church before moving here, his car radio is preset to the station that plays the White Horse Inn, and he was the one who got you reading Murray, for crying out loud. And yet, what to make of this appalling lapse into that which should not be contemplated? Is there ... dare there ... could there be a name for this condition?

Well wonder no more, because this morning I was handed Horgan's Index of the Various Levels of Reformedness For Use in the Proper Classification and Stereotyping of God's Elect Whether They Know it or Not (Revised Standard Version). And it has changed my life! Consider:

General Classifications:
AR Almost Reformed (has only heard of R. C. Sproul)

BR Barely Reformed (has heard of Sproul and thought about buying some of his tapes)

CR Critically Reformed (more negative than John MacArthur on the charismatic movement)

DR Doubtfully Reformed (only attends this church for the music)

ER Egregiously Reformed (shows possible calling as elder)

FR Formerly Reformed (currently serving on Deacon Board)

HR Hopefully Reformed (the kid you would let your daughter marry for his money and keep his name on the prayer list)

IR Incredibly Reformed (even the Session doesn't believe half of what this guy believes)

JR Just been Reformed (recently put out of another evangelical church; now attends this church)

KR Krazy Reformed (you just know it when you see it)

LR Loudly Reformed (maybe right, maybe wrong, but never in doubt)

MR Manically Reformed (sometimes up, sometimes down but always a pain)

NR Not very Reformed (most likely to be nominated for office in this church)

OR Obviously Reformed (one of our kind who probably won't last here long)

PR Possibly Reformed (spoke up once at a Bible church and was told to try the PCA)

QR Quietly Reformed (probably won't last long in the Covenant class)

RR Rigorously Reformed (probably won't last long in any other class)

SR Sort of Reformed (has recently found his old copies of Calvin and Berkoff and is now seriously thinking about reading them)

TR Titanically Reformed (willing to crash into anyone even if it means sinking the ship)

UR Unconsciously Reformed (can snore the five points and Shorter Catechism)

VR Voraciously Reformed (has burned all his books by Dallas Seminary authors)

WR Weirdly/Wildly Reformed (the member of this church)

XR Xenophobically Reformed (believes that no one is as Reformed as he is)

YR Your basic Reformed (just bought his first book by one of the good guys)

ZR Zealously Reformed (a social misfit outside the company of the officers)

Advanced States of Reformedness

BVDR Broadly but Very Definitely Reformed (maybe our kind, maybe not)

ATVR Absolutely, Totally, Virtually Reformed (has abandoned once and for all his entire library of arminian, amyraldian and charismatic books)

CPCR Creatively, Productively, Conscientiously Reformed (definitely our kind; the highest state of reformedness)

Hope that helps. (And I hope my HNINR* family and friends will forgive me this inside-joke post. All the guys in my church officer training class thought it was hilarious.)

*Hell, No! I'm Not Reformed!